WASHINGTON DC –
After claiming to have received phone calls of praise from the head of the Boy Scouts of America and the President of Mexico, President Trump has been feeling bullish about his accomplishments during his first months in office.
So it was no surprise when early Wednesday morning, a national treasure and living symbol of the nation also reportedly reached out to applaud the job the President is doing.
According to an early morning post on Twitter:
Calling from atop a majestic redwood tree, The Bald Eagle, according to the President, was effusive in his praise.
“Bald Eagle could not say enough good things about the amazing job my administration is doing every day to make America great. You should have heard all the screeching he did about our major victories in rolling back regulations of the terrible Obama administration!”
The President, who attended Fordham University, did not reveal how he learned to converse with birds of prey, but the conversation apparently stretched on for hours.
“Bald Eagle was screeching about how unfair congress has been to my administration. And how unfair the Democrats are. And, of course, the fake press. And the Supreme Court justices. And crooked Hillary Clinton. And how I should not have to give up my companies just because I am President.”
“In fact,” the President continued, “Bald Eagle said that I should be running all my companies while in office, because then they will make America even greater than I am already making it.”
White House staff were originally concerned when they saw the President making screeching sounds into his phone for 2 hours, but he reassured them he was just talking to an eagle.
Not The Best Eagles
“People don’t realize how upset Bald Eagle is about immigration. We’ve got to do something.”
“He is a very nice bird. But he said that illegal eagles are flying into this country from Mexico every day. And these are not the best eagles flying over the border, let me tell you. These are nasty eagles. Some of them, most of them, are probably eagle murderers. They murder their own kind for their feathers, which they sell on the black market.”
“Bald Eagle kept screeching: HIGHER! HIGHER! HIGHER!!” said the President, gesturing with his arms in a wing-like motion. “We have to make the wall a lot higher! He was very upset.”
Turned Down Cabinet Level Position
The President was so taken by the words of the Bald Eagle, that he offered a job on the spot to the North American raptor. However, the Bald Eagle politely declined the offer, saying he wanted to spend time with his family.
“I was going to make him White House Press Secretary, so he could swoop out into the press pool and attack the fake news media. He said it was an incredible honor to be offered a job to serve in the Trump White House – an amazing honor – but a baby eagle had just hatched the other day, and he needed to focus on feeding it. Which, I understand, although it’s not the decision I would have made.”
As they concluded their conversation, the President thanked the Bald Eagle for his service to his country. And promised that he would follow up to see if the Constitution could be amended to include the phrase “and all bald eagles can have free fish, which Mexico will pay for.”
Although the Bald Eagle will not join the White House cabinet, he did agree to participate on all future conference calls of the National Security Council, during which he is expected to join the President in screeching into the phone for up to an hour at a time on each one.
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