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Thursday, June 13, 2024

Trump Addresses UN: “I Know You People Are Secretly Stealing My Money”


In a pointed address at the UN this week, Donald Trump chided the international community for what he called “their terrible behavior”, declaring they should announce a resolution immediately to “stop stealing all of his money when he wasn’t looking”.

“I have noticed a disproportionate amount of my money has been disappearing recently,” the President said. “And I am here to demand that the UN immediately stop taking all of my money, and to give the money back that you have taken from me, right now.”


I Want My Money Back

The president minced no words in confronting the General Assembly about the pilfering.

Listing stocks and bonds, gold certificates, jet-skis, mortgages on skyscrapers, Armani suits, and miscellaneous coins as some of the items that the UN has stolen, the President said: “Enough is enough. I have been keeping my eye on you all, and I know what you’ve been up to. You have sneakily taken a lot of my valuables and I want them returned to me in full without delay.”


Few Countries Spared His Wrath

Outraged over the continued theft of his hard earned assets, President Trump listed numerous countries involved in robbing him. “Botswana has taken some of my money. And Belgium. The United Arab Emirates. Costa Rica. The Yucatan Peninsula. Greenland. Portugal. The Kingdom of Burma. Zimbabwe. Spanish Harlem. These are only some of the many countries who have taken my money.”

After drinking from a glass of water, the President continued in a slow and steady voice: “Barbados has taken money from me. Liechtenstein. Mongolia. Namibia. Iceland. Uzbekistan. Easter Island. Chicago. Chad. Australia. Ethiopia. Many, Many countries.”


Currencies He Will Accept

The President stated he would accept several currencies in repayment of the money that the United Nations has plundered from his bank accounts. “In repayment of the funds you have secretly been taking, I will accept US dollars, Euros, Chinese Yuan, Guinean Francs, and Chilean Pesos.”

The President thanked the delegates for coming, and said they could repay him on their way out at collections boxes posted at the exits.


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