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Thursday, June 13, 2024

President Trump Proposes Hefner Memorial On National Mall


Reportedly distraught over the recent death of publisher, impresario, and abortion rights advocate Hugh Hefner, President Trump has called on congress to establish a memorial on the National Mall in his memory.

“Hugh Hefner was a great American who believed in all the things that make America great. And we owe it to his memory to establish a memorial on the national mall that will be a beacon to all Americans, like me, who grew up looking at Playboy centerfolds.”


More Than Just A Nudie Magazine

“The Playboy empire, which helped to form America as we know it today, was not just about nude pictures – although don’t get me wrong, they had some of the best photos of women I have ever seen, really they did – but also it was about the longing to be free of clothes. And especially for women to be free of clothes. Because, let’s face it, women look amazing without clothes.”


Pink Velvet Staircases

While the facade of the structure will be white marble in keeping with the theme of the National Mall’s other memorials to the founders of our country, the inside will reflect the tastes and attributes of the man it honors.

“Visitors to the mall will enjoy a respite from the Washington heat when they enter the new memorial,” said the President, unveiling renderings of the Hefner building. “Much of the interior will look like the fabled Playboy mansion, with pink staircases, ice sculptures of beautiful breasts, and vibrating beds in the shape of the Playboy logo.”

Tourists over 18 years of age will be served cocktails inside the memorial by congressional pages wearing the traditional bunny costumes of the Playboy mansion. “We will spare no expense to make sure the memorial will be tasteful like you have never seen,” vowed President Trump. “This will be the crème de la crème. The Taj Mahal of memorials.”

“Honestly, next to the Hefner Memorial, the other monuments are going to be very disappointing. Very lame.”


Funding For The Memorial

Although the President initially proposed that Mexico should pay for the Hefner Memorial, aids reportedly convinced him that funding should be raised from private donors.

“Construction of the new Hefner Memorial will be for all Americans to enjoy, however, my administration will raise the funding entirely from private sources,” the President said. “We will be calling on the publishers of Penthouse, Oui, Hustler, as well as porn sites such as Pornhub.com, and 4Tube.com, to step up to the table and honor this fallen American hero.”


Construction This Fall

President Trump later Tweeted that a bill to erect the Hefner Memorial will be fast-tracked in the next session of Congress. “Hugh Hefner was a man of action. And like him, we must act quick like a bunny. This is exactly the kind of boost our country needs to make it great again.”

The Hefner Monument, which will occupy the space currently used by the memorial to Martin Luther King Jr., is slated to open in conjunction with the Ms. Universe Pageant in 2018.


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