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Tuesday, June 18, 2024

AOL Messenger Caught Fleeing From Police, Service To Close Indefinitely


In a dramatic high speed pursuit that began early this morning outside the former headquarters of AOL / Time Warner, police arrested the AOL Instant Messenger on a misdemeanor charge of damage to property, and have taken it into custody for an unspecified length of time.

Responding to a call at 2 AM of a giant yellow figure running thru the woods, police arrived to find the Messenger icon spray painting a message on the storefront of an Apple store in a nearby mall. The AOL Messenger then fled police, dodging traffic on a busy highway, and led them on a 3 mile chase before finally being apprehended in a White Castle parking lot.


A Lot Faster Than You Think

Although the icon was designed in the late 1980’s, and features no discernible knee or ankle joints, the officers were surprised at how quickly it moved.

“First of all, it’s a lot taller than your average icon, probably about 8 feet,” said Sheriff Lucas Tanely, who was involved in the chase. “So, each step it takes covers a lot of ground. Also, although it’s only running at 56 Kbps, that is still a lot faster than your average squad car.”


AOL Instant Messenger Service Shut Down

Although details of the charges were not released, a court appearance was scheduled for the AOL Messenger in three weeks. The judge ruled that the icon was a flight risk, so no bail was set, and it will remain in custody until the court hearing.

A spokesperson for the icon released a statement saying: “While the AOL Instant Messenger rejects all charges and denies any wrongdoing, it will be seeking help for personal matters on an in-patient basis at a clinic starting this fall. The Messenger looks forward to presenting its side of the story in court, and getting back to the business of providing Americans with the vital connectivity they have come to depend on.”

AOL has announced that the AOL Instant Messaging service will be discontinued until further notice.


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