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Tuesday, May 21, 2024

Dow Jones Industrial Average To Re-Brand As Dow Jones Elite


In an effort to better tailor its brand image to a more upscale clientele who have the resources to purchase its stocks, the Dow Jones Industrial Average today announced a rebranding initiative and name change to “Dow Jones Elite”.


“A Stock Metric For The Discerning Buyer”

“We’ve found that many of our customers who can afford to buy large quantities of blue chip stocks were very turned off by the words ‘industrial average,’ said Gloria Helmington, a research analyst and brand consultant.

“Most of the millionaires and billionaires that the market depends on for its well-being made their money on the internet. ‘Industrial’ is not something they want to be associated with.”

“Also the term ‘average’ does not sit well with key investors. They see themselves as far advanced from regular people. So, we’ve updated the name to reflect the changing times, and the fact that ‘average’ people do not own stock in any meaningful sense.”


Moving Away From Old Ideas

“Once upon a time, shopkeepers and factory workers could afford to invest in the market,” said Orlin Rothwell of Trellson College at Cambridge. “Everyone in the country had a stake in how companies on Wall Street performed. But nowadays, the vast majority of Americans have no stock at all, or own such tiny amounts as to make them more or less insignificant to the financial sector.”

“Wealthy investors want to feel that they are above the fray,” said Mr. Rothwell, “so, key finance groups are repositioning to distance themselves from the masses.”

Some rumored name changes to come include a new “Standard And Riches” index, “Goldman Sax Fifth Avenue,” and a rebranding of the Wall Street area as “Wealth Street.”


An Elite Market, For An Elite World

“At the end of the day,” said Ms. Helmington, “we need to serve our clients.”

“No one wants to belong to a club that allows anyone off the street to join. We hope this name change will send the right messaging to our valued customers: namely, that the Dow Jones Elite index is not average, it is not industrial, and it is the index of choice for you.”

“If you have a billion dollars,” she added.

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