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Sunday, July 14, 2024

President Vindicated As FBI Uncovers Shark Plot To Overthrow US Government


In what is believed to be the first plot ever by an aquatic species to topple the United States government by force, the FBI announced today that they had foiled a plan by sharks to take over the White House and install a new shark dictator.

The plan, which was outlined in several pieces of soggy paper found on a rock in the Potomac River, detailed an intricate tunnel system by which a shark strike team would enter the White House at night and eat the staff and President.


Plan Was Ready To Be Enacted

Although the sharks were prevented from executing their mission, investigators say that they were within days of launching the attack, which surely would have resulted in mass casualties.

“Sharks, as you know, have terrifically sharp serrated teeth,” said Justice Department spokesman Ben White. “There is no way of knowing how many would have died had the sharks been successful. But you can rest assured, it would have been a slaughter.”


The assault was ultimately foiled when a shark tried to buy 300 feet of high tensile dental floss from an undercover agent posing as an octopus.


President’s Fears Were Justified

Although widely mocked on social media for allegedly expressing a fear of sharks to a porn actress in 2006, the President’s concerns were proven to be prescient.

He called out his detractors in a tweet early this morning:

White House Press Secretary Sara Sanders declined to comment on the President’s call to build a new “Shark Wall”, saying that sharks are indeed frightening and dangerous creatures. She further said that any member of the press pool is welcome to climb into the President’s personal shark tank, which was secretly installed in the White House basement earlier this year, and see how they fare for 5 minutes.

A reporter then demanded to know what happened to Sean Spicer, at which point Secretary Sanders abruptly ended the press conference.

The accused sharks, who are due to appear in court on Monday, are expected to plead not hungry.

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