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Sunday, July 14, 2024

Trump Declares Would Not Have Been Afraid During Normandy Invasion


Although critics have expressed skepticism of the president’s claims of bravado, such as following the school shooting in Parkland, Florida, President Trump bolstered his case for bravery today by sharing several potential scenarios in which he would have acted with extreme valor during events that happened in the past.


Would Not Have Been Nervous At Omaha Beach

Having once asserted he would have charged into Stoneman Douglas High School “even if I didn’t have a weapon”, the president said he would also not have been concerned for his safety in World War II’s most famous battle.

“I would have easily made it across Omaha Beach during the invasion of Normandy,” he said. “I am very fast. Extremely fast.  And I would have just sprinted across the beach and dove into one of the German positions, which is the way to go in that situation.”

“Too many men probably were just walking on the beach. Very sad,” he said. “Of course, you don’t know ’til you test it, but I probably would have taken out six or seven machine gun nests, too, saving many lives.”


Would Have Flown Over Snake River Canyon

In addition to his bravery on D-Day, President Trump assured reporters he would have also successfully “made it over Snake River Canyon” – a reference to daredevil Robert “Evel” Knievel’s failed attempt in 1974 to jump across a gorge in a steam-powered rocket.

“You have to just keep your foot on the gas,” instructed the president. “Too many men, and I’m not saying it happened to Evel, but too many take their foot off the gas when you need to have it on. I would have just kept my foot on the gas. That’s how you need to do it.”


The Hindenburg Disaster

The president went on to outline several other events from history, and how he would have fared:

  • The Hindenburg Disaster: “I would have jumped from the blimp just as it caught on fire. You can’t wait in a deal like that. Sure you might get a broken leg, but that will heal. It’s better than waiting and getting burned and THEN falling. Hillary totally would have waited”.

  • The Sinking of the Titanic: “The mistake people made on the Titanic was to get in the water. I would have used one of the tables in the dining room and floated on that. You don’t want to be in the water because that’s where the sharks are. I would have been very comfortable and probably would have saved a lot of lives”.

  • The Bubonic Plague: “The plague would have been no problem for me. You know why? Kids. Ask the next person you meet who is sick if they have kids? Nine times out of ten they do. I explained it to Baron and he totally gets it. ‘You have to walk 10 steps behind at all times’ – it’s just not worth it. “

  • The Permian Extinction: “As soon as I saw that rock coming at the planet, I would have dug a tunnel and stayed down there for a few weeks until it was safe to come out. The dinosaurs should have burrowed under ground when the meteor hit. But they were too dumb to realize that. That’s why we’re here and they aren’t.”


Many More Examples

Although the press conference was cut short when Chief Of Staff Mick Mulvaney arrived for the daily intelligence briefing, President Trump said he would have several more examples of his bravery tomorrow for the press.

“You know a lot of people don’t know how dangerous it is to be president. Lots of people out there want to to do you harm,” he said. “But I’ve learned you need to stand up to your enemies when they threaten you – you need to get in their face and shout them down. And then, if they won’t shut up, put up your hand, point at them and say, ‘secret service, this man has made terrorist threats toward me.”

“That usually does the trick.”

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