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Thursday, June 13, 2024

Shop Teacher On Patrol No Longer Showing Up To Teach Class

 
CLARKTOWN, AR –

In what has become routine during Gantner Middle School’s 5th hour wood-working class, students found themselves without a teacher again on Wednesday as industrial arts instructor Marvin Haurbruch spent the entire afternoon on a reconnaissance mission along the school’s playground perimeter.

The teacher’s self-described patrols, carried out while wearing military-grade night vision goggles and a flak jacket, began after the local school board authorized arming teachers in the wake of school shootings.

“We have no idea what he’s doing,” said Principal Steven Jackson of the 13 year metals and woods teacher.

 

Spends Morning Hours In Bushes Outside Front Door

After raising his hand immediately when asked to store a weapon in his classroom, Mr. Haurbruch has spent the intervening three months circulating around the school campus with a loaded rifle.

“I take up position around 0600 hours in sector one,” he said, referring to the doors outside the media center in the front of the school. “From there, I vary my movements so as not to be predictable, but generally make my way thru the trees around the building to the teachers lounge for a short break at 0800.”

“From 0845 to 1030 I patrol the roof and check interior stair cases using night vision goggles, then set up a checkpoint in the hallway to question individuals and verify their identities.”

“After some routine drills in the courtyard, I make a full report to the commander at 1300 hours,” he said, referring to Principal Jackson.

 

Disciplinary Measures Proposed

Although told repeatedly by the principal that he needs to be in his classroom to instruct his students, Mr. Haurbruch has continued his patrols full-time.

“My daily logs are in here,” he said, motioning to a safe installed next to the band saw in the industrial arts room. “They are stamped ‘Confidential – Eyes Only’ in case someone stumbles across them, but I’m the only one with the combination. So they are very secure.”

 

Termination Proceedings Complicated by Contract

While a teacher can be fired for 14 unexcused absences, Mr. Haurbruch is technically on school grounds during the day.

“We sympathize with the district wanting to get rid of a teacher who refuses to teach,” said union administrator Ty Wakefielder, “but the contract states an employee can be dismissed only for ‘failing to attend school’ – so he can probably continue doing this indefinitely if he wants.”

 

Planning To Purchase Rocket Launcher

After putting in a request to purchase heavy armaments at last month’s PTA meeting, Mr. Haurbruch shows no signs of slowing the pace of his patrols.

“The rear perimeter of the building is exposed to a railway which could be used by an enemy to convey a tank, or other large gun. But a rocket launcher on the south lawn would help deter such an attack.”

“I really hope they go for the rocket launcher,” he said. “The backup plan would be to deploy land mines in the south football field which is not optimal – since it will be tough to disguise them on such a smooth grassy surface.”

“But, either way, we’ll figure something out,” he added. “The safety of our students depends on it.”

 
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