MENLO PARK, CA –
Outlining a bright future ahead during an impromptu meeting of the 7th floor staff this week, co-worker Steve got the sales team excited when he announced Casual Fridays would be a permanent perk for all employees in the operations division.
Cheering broke out as the staff high-fived and celebrated the popular free pass from the office dress code.
Exactly Why We Murdered Old Boss
“This is precisely why we all got together to murder the old boss this week,” said Pat Solanges who works in human resources. “He wanted work-driven robots, and thought letting us wear jeans to work once a week would get in the way of performance.”
“I don’t want to say we strangled him with a Cat-6 Ethernet cable during our Tuesday status just because of Casual Fridays,” he said. “But it definitely figured into the decision-making process.”
Carleesha Simpson, who is an Accounts Receivable Team Leader, agreed Casual Fridays came into play. “It makes the week more enjoyable. You get dressed up everyday knowing that there’s this day at the end of the week where you can just relax. It lets you be you.”
“Did the promise of Casual Fridays cause me to apply my knee to my bosses neck as my co-workers dragged him to the floor?” she asked. “No. But it sure made it easier to do so.”
More Perks Coming Now That Boss Is Dead
Other benefits announced by Co-Worker Steve at the meeting included a Whole Foods Discount Card, Netflix membership for the office, and a company account for the team at the Starbucks on the corner.
“Steve is suggesting a lot of the things that we’ve always wanted for the office and everyone is really excited,” said Mr. Solanges. “If we had known killing the boss was all it took to have a great place to come to work everyday, we probably would have done this a long time ago.”
Disposal Of The Body
After the team celebrated the Casual Friday’s announcement, it was time to address what they were going to do with their boss’s body.
“Normally the boss would lead this type of discussion – typically because he had some weirdly specific way he wanted things done, which we had to keep guessing at until he told us what to do,” said Ms. Simpson. “But now, we just kind of go around the room and people throw out ideas. It’s not very efficient, but for the first time there’s a sense of togetherness.”
“Especially since we can all face 15 to 20 years in prison or worse if someone finds out about the murder.”
After an open discussion, the staff decided to send the body down the trash shoot into the incinerator. “It was really a team decision, which was nice,” said Martin Gilwater, Senior Manager. “A couple people wanted to carve the body into pieces and transport it out of the office in gym workout bags. But Steve pointed out that we could be stopped by security, and that burning the body would eliminate any trace of the boss.”
“He made a lot of sense, and everyone agreed that was the best plan.”
Steve To Be The Next Boss?
Although receiving a generally positive reception for his ideas, some co-workers expressed concern that Steve was setting himself up as the next boss. “I like what Steve is saying, but the old boss used to say some of the same things,” said Mr. Gilwater. “Still, I’m willing to give him a shot.”
Mr. Solange, however, wasn’t taking any chances. “We’re keeping the Ethernet cable handy in Carleesha’s credenza – just in case. I am finally working at a place with Casual Fridays.” he said. “It’s been a dream of mine for years. And no matter what happens, I am never going back.”
“Even if I have to kill a hundred Steves.”
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