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Tuesday, May 21, 2024

Bleary-Eyed Americans Confront Yet Another News Day


Rising from their beds with nowhere else to go, and no prospects of relief in sight, Americans across the country staggered this morning into the oncoming headlights of yet another blitzkrieg of daily news.

“For the love of God, make it stop,” said Alfred Tennysol, a UX developer for a hotel chain based outside of Des Moines, IA. “I’d blow my brains out, but that would just give them another story to run. I can’t take much more of this,” he said.


Relentless Torrent Continues

As cable newscasters resumed the unremitting flow of live updates, opinions, counter-opinions, and background stories that make up the twenty-four hour news cycle, people scrambled for cover anywhere they could find it.

“I just read the backs of cereal boxes over and over and over,” said Jean Newhamian of Fountain, Colorado. “I think it’s doing something bad to my brain, but I don’t care. I just can’t look any more.”

Ty Corrumba of Juniper, Montana, said he had taken to humming in the morning. “I hum and whistle without tune. And drink a lot. Whiskey mostly. Anything to avoid turning on the TV and hearing about the next makeover tip, school shooting, doomsday device, or water-skiing squirrel.”

“Yesterday, as I was driving into town, a guy on the radio started talking about another sex scandal involving a prominent politician and I just about drove into an oncoming garbage truck. It’s getting real bad.”


Like Being Run Over By A Train Every Morning

Although the dizzying barrage of news images, texts, articles, streaming podcasts and videos long ago outstripped the average person’s ability to absorb what was happening, the remorseless onslaught of timely information showed no signs of abating.

“The news networks say they are helping me to lead an informed life,” continued Mr. Corrumba. “Well, I got news for them: my life is being informed to death.”

“I don’t want any more context,” said Weehawken New Jersey elementary school administrator Delores Jones, yelling at her TV from across the kitchen. “Do you hear me? No! More! Context!”


This Just In

As the nation struggled to process the latest revelations, another breaking development that interrupted the four previous news flashes, twelve healthful foods you should know about, and cute puppy you do not want to miss, advised viewers to stay tuned as there was more to follow on this very important upcoming story.

Which was scheduled to resume right after this commercial break.

Your Trusted Source for Faux News.

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