Americans Scramble To Fund New Alcohol-Friendly Health Study

Americans Scramble To Fund New Alcohol-Friendly Health Study


Alarmed by a recent scientific study which claimed that the negative health effects of alcohol outweigh the overall benefits, people across the nation today immediately began contributing money to fund a study more favorable to drinking alcohol.


Publication Of Findings Within Ten Days

A Kickstarter account promising to “fund a rapid study investigating the many health benefits of alcohol as soon as possible” had garnered 1.3 million dollars in contributions and was still climbing as of press time.

The stated goal of the study in a video posted by Dan Gunderson of Sonoma, California, was to identify the numerous benefits of drinking wine, beer, and hard liquor.

“It is well-established that drinking has long been associated with a positive mental outlook,” said Mr. Gunderson, “which is vital to good health.”

“Also, many of the world’s greatest minds have enjoyed the occasional drink and went on to make important discoveries. Would we have the personal computer today without alcohol? The automobile? The mini-keg fridge? What discoveries of the future will we miss out on? Our study will answer questions like these about the amazing health benefits of drinking.”


No Clue What’s Going On

Tammy Wentworth, who works in a preschool outside of Carlutsburg, West Virginia, was not impressed by the recent report. “Obviously these guys in lab coats have no clue about what kind of tired I’ve got going on after dealing with screaming kids all day. The last thing I need to hear after a long day is some scientist telling me not to have a glass of wine because it’s going to be bad for me.”

“You know what’s not good for the health of my teenage daughters? Me NOT having a glass of wine.”


Not The Time

While traditionally Americans have taken warnings from health-related studies in stride, many posters on social media reacted harshly to the negative findings.

“NOT the time I need to be hearing this!” Tweeted @hiTimelyToo.

“I will be forgetting I ever saw this stupid study while enjoying a nice glass or Merlot this evening,” Dawn Everlocke posted on Facebook.

Tweeted @BarishReynolds: “Nope. No. Just, hell no!”

The new study will start releasing its findings via Twitter on Monday, beginning with the results from a survey of who is having the most fun at your local Chili’s.
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