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Sunday, July 14, 2024

Americans Scramble To Fund New Alcohol-Friendly Health Study


Alarmed by recent scientific studies claiming the negative health effects of alcohol outweigh the overall benefits, people across the nation today began contributing money to fund a study more favorable to drinking alcohol.

Scientists Have No Clue

While traditionally Americans have taken warnings from health-related studies in stride, many posters on social media reacted harshly to the negative reports on alcohol.

“NOT the time I need to be hearing this!”
– @hiTime2Nite

“Nope. No. Just, hell no!”
– @DaBar5Open

Tammy Wentworth, who works in a preschool outside of Carlutsburg, West Virginia, was not impressed by the reports. “Obviously these guys in lab coats have no clue about what kind of tired I’ve got going after dealing with screaming kids all day. The last thing I need to hear is some jerkwater telling me a glass of wine is bad for me.”

“You know what’s bad for the health of my teenage daughters? Me NOT having a glass of wine.”

Publication Of Findings Within Ten Days

A Kickstarter account promising to fund a rapid study “investigating the many health benefits of alcohol as soon as possible” had garnered 1.3 million dollars in contributions and was still climbing as of press time.

According to a video posted by beer delivery driver Dan Gunderson of Sonoma, California:

“It’s well-established that drinking is associated with a positive mental outlook. Many of history’s greatest minds enjoyed the occasional drink and went on to important achievements. Would we have the personal computer today without alcohol? The Great Wall? The mini-keg fridge?”

“Our study will identify these numerous benefits of drinking – and many more!”

Already Underway

According to the video, the new alcohol-friendly study will begin releasing its findings via Twitter tonight, beginning with results from a local survey on who is having the most fun at Chili’s “All You Can Drink Margaritas” Nite.

A full report is expected to be published on the first of the month.

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