WASHINGTON DC –
A disturbed President Trump was forced to fire his Secretary of State this week when aids confessed that not only is the former Congressman not a billionaire, his net worth was likely less than 400,000 dollars.
“What kind of person has so little money?” the president asked his cabinet, which has a combined fortune of over 12 billion dollars as they sat in stunned silence. “He must be a degenerate or something.”
Shrugging his shoulders after Tweeting that the secretary no longer had a job in the administration, and instructing a nearby general to remove Pompeo’s security badge immediately, President Trump was at a loss.
“Here he was, Head of the State Department, and we had no idea what a freakishly low net worth he had. It’s an embarrassment to our country, really. No cabinet member should ever be hired who was worth so little.”
“Even Jeff Sessions has six million dollars,” said the president, “and he’s a complete moron.”
Above Average Compared To Rest Of Nation
Although the secretary’s assets are several times higher than the average middle class American’s net worth of 45,000, the president was still horrified hours later.
“I just keep turning it over in my mind. What did I miss? Did I not ask the right questions? How did he get away with it?”, the president wondered aloud while eating a cheeseburger. “To be honest, it’s frightening that he was in the same room with me. I mean, a man with so little to live for – he might be capable of anything.”
Taking no chances on hiring a replacement, the White House released a statement announcing auditions for the next Secretary of State will be held at a Mar-A-Lago charity event next week featuring ‘yacht water polo’ – with the winner to receive a confirmation hearing as soon as Pompeo is safely locked up in the poor house.
“I’m just glad we found out in time,” the president said.
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