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Thursday, February 29, 2024

Giant Caravan Of Meatpackers, Housekeepers, And Farmworkers Threatens US

 
MEXICO –

In a bid to secure thousands of low-paying jobs that no American wants to do, an enormous crowd of workers from across Central America joined forces this week to storm the US borders with a goal of replacing roofs, harvesting farm produce, cleaning hotel rooms, and generally taking care of the US population against their will.

 

Horde Of Workers Rarely Miss A Day

The devastating onslaught of employees willing to work long hours in arduous conditions marched unimpeded toward the US, as Americans pleaded with Mexican authorities to prevent them from reaching the border.

“It is not hyperbole to say that this caravan will provide the manual labor to produce millions of dollars of wealth in our economy,” said Professor Tom Dyksfeldin of the University of Virginia at Vermillion. “And it appears, at least at this point in time, we have absolutely no way to stop them.”

 

Plans For A Labor Shortage Obliterated

“Our greatest fears are being realized,” said Tim Draebarchen, who owns and operates several strawberry farms in eastern Oregon. “Namely, that our berries will be quickly harvested by these relentlessly pleasant laborers in record time.”

“How are we going to let our crops rot in the field, when these people show up offering to pick them for reasonable wages?” asked Mr. Draebarchen. “It’s just not right – picking fruits and vegetables from sun-up to sundown.”

“Who do they think they are?”

 

Scarcity Of Leaking Roofs

Home Remodeler Devin Alshanck has resigned himself to the fact that all of the roofs in his local town will most likely be repaired and/or replaced within a year.

“It used to be that a person in the roofing business could string 10 or 12 clients along for a whole year while they tended to more lucrative projects. But with this influx of diligent workers unafraid to carry 50 pounds of shingles up a ladder on their shoulder – well, it’s really putting a cramp in our business plan.”

Although several requests for comment were made, the White House declined to speculate on whether the influx of cheap workers would be good for business.

However, unnamed sources in the administration said they would do everything in their power to prevent Mar-A-Lago guests from receiving the unparalleled service they have come to expect, including complimentary turn-down service, and warm cinnamon rolls delivered to their guest rooms in a wicker basket each night.”

 
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