Study Finds 95% Of Cats Are Better Read Than Their Owners

Study Finds 95% Of Cats Are Better Read Than Their Owners

  DEPAW UNIVERSITY – Using advanced imaging techniques applied to billions of cat photos and videos on the internet, researchers at Depaw University this week made a surprising discovery: cats, on average, have read more books, understood them better, and in general are better read than 95% of their human owners.   Cats More Likely […]

Trump Enacts New Tariffs On Glitter In Wake Of Pride Celebrations

Trump Enacts New Tariffs On Glitter In Wake Of Pride Celebrations

  WASHINGTON DC – Saying that he has “no problems with the gays”, and claiming that he wasn’t targeting any specific group, President Donald Trump announced punishing new tariffs on the imports of glitter this afternoon after seeing several clips of Pride celebrations on Fox News. “Believe me, I don’t care what people do behind […]

Trump Vows To Punish Canada Until China Comes To Its Senses

Trump Vows To Punish Canada Until China Comes To Its Senses

  WASHINGTON DC – President Donald Trump demonstrated his resolute commitment to reining in trade deficits with China this week by enacting punishing tariffs on the nation’s closest ally, Canada, vowing that they would not end until China changes the way it does business with the United States.   US Can No Longer Stand Idly […]

Jesus Returns To Earth, Finally Avenges Himself On The Onion

Jesus Returns To Earth, Finally Avenges Himself On The Onion

THE EARTH – Vowing to mete out punishment to those responsible for what he called “a pestilence for the ages,” Jesus returned to the earth Monday to smite the editorial board, writers and support staff of satirical news source “The Onion”. Displaying a fury normally associated with the Old Testament, the usually peaceful Jesus was […]

President Officially Recognizes Jerusalem As Capital Of Iraq

President Officially Recognizes Jerusalem As Capital Of Iraq

  WASHINGTON DC – In an announcement that caused major confusion throughout the diplomatic world, President Trump today signed an executive order recognizing Jerusalem as the capital of the country of Iraq. Although the city of Jerusalem has existed for thousands of years within the current borders of Israel, the President said that his decision […]


Kim Jong-Un Vows To Destroy Pontiac Silverdome In Show Of Strength

Kim Jong-Un Vows To Destroy Pontiac Silverdome In Show Of Strength

  PYONGYANG, DPRK – A sturdy old stadium that refused to yield to the march of time, or even explosives, may have a new foe to contend with. Following the failed demolition of the long since abandoned Pontiac Silverdome by construction crews today, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un, in a bellicose statement released to the […]

Sean Spicer Reaches Planet Glorton, Informs Glurb: Mission Accomplished

Sean Spicer Reaches Planet Glorton, Informs Glurb: Mission Accomplished

  PLANET GLORTON, ANDROMEDA GALAXY – After a long journey in his plutonium-powered spacecraft, Former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer landed safely on his home planet this week, and appeared before the Galactic Council to inform them of the completion of his assignment. His full report to Glurb, Supreme Leader of Glorton, detailed the […]